Chaos — I Am

Sometimes it feels like everything I do is pure chaos, down to my simplest streams of thought. Like I desperately want to make sense but it’s just truly all over the fucking place. Where does that chaotic energy come from? Is it something I want to change or something I want to embrace?

Who am I? That feels like such a hard question to answer because obviously the first thing that comes to my mind is ‘I am Janice, I am 24, blah blah blah’ but I know that’s not who I am. But if I know that’s not who I am, yet I don’t know who I am, does that mean that I am not, or that who I am just isn’t being observed? And if who I am is not being observed, do things that are not being observed even exist?

Where is the particle when it isn’t being observed? Science doesn’t know. Fucking science doesn’t know bro. Well then who the fuck does know? Would I know? Would the ‘I’ that either does or does not exist under observation know?

Does the particle know where it is? 

The mind of a chaotic soul. AH HA! I just identified myself with a soul, meaning I am observant of something existing. A soul. Okay, we’re getting somewhere.

Let me state now before we get too deep into the hole that I don’t expect to reach some final destination, mainly because I’m not sure it exists. The closest I have gotten to understanding these concepts in a way beyond all things the logical mind could even comprehend, was during very deep and intentional psychedelic ceremonies.
But then once again, I ‘sober up’ and forget all over again. But not completely, I am left with a reminisce. Actually, I dare to say I don’t forget at all, I just don’t remember how to interpret the message. And I know the medicine is not giving me something I do not have! The answers lie within, awaiting for discovery, awaiting to be understood all over again.

Presence. The answers lie within presence.

In the state of no-mind, no time. I might be losing you here. I read a few pages into ‘The Power of Now’ and think I’m some deep philosopher of sorts. I bought the Joe Dispenza course last year and still never got through it. I can only tell you what I know, which is nothing, yet somehow also everything.

Crazy isn’t it? And it only gets crazier the more I try to make sense of it and maybe, just maybe, not everything is meant to make fucking sense to the human mind because the human mind is logical and the universe speaks in magic so how the fuck are you to make sense out of magic with logic?

So what is the answer? Well, what was the question? Who am I? I could give a list of things. I am an artist, a writer, a creator, I am a soul. Yet on the same note, I can barely tell you what any of that means.

Maybe there isn’t an answer to be found. Maybe ‘I am’ is enough without having to come up with filler words to follow. Maybe ‘I am’ is enough.

Right now, the ‘I’ that the ego refers to, the ‘I’ that I have identified myself as, and learned myself to be, she is 24. She is tucked away in some random country on the beach, pumping her brain to create as much as she can, trying to figure out who she is, how to express it authentically to the world, while simultaneously learning how to integrate her heart into that which she creates. 

But she is dedicated, she is resilient, and she will not stop.

I’ve witnessed this girl withstand the flames of hell and still come out with a heart full of love. I’m still learning her, but one thing I’ll tell you, the world won’t change her. She has something to share, and she won’t. Fucking. Stop.

• JanicheLee